Apples to Hourglass Boutique

Today I found myself standing in my kitchen, watching my two kids stare at and semi-play with each other, and I just felt this awful, overwhelming, sinking feeling - like, what am I supposed to do with these little people? And, how on earth will I sanely (and enjoyably, hopefully) manage the next couple of years (and have them turn out ok)? I will say that my methods of coping are most likely the total opposite of the average mother's. I look forward to nightly glass(es) of wine as if it was a drink from the eternal fountain of youth. When the kids are napping (if they are), I sneak into the backyard for a cigarette, and yes, I do hide it from my neighbors. I know how terrible they are, how disgusting they are, etc. (how terrible cigarettes are, not the neighbors...), but twice a day, it gives me 3-4 minutes of complete solitude - minus the loud damned labs in the backyard behind mine. I get headaches - sometimes fullblown migraines - at the thought of a Wee-Sing album, so instead my kids listen to Bob Dylan, The Avett Brothers and Mumford & Sons instead (and naturally, anything classic like Johnny Cash and The Monkees).
I occasionally manage to accomplish partial 'to-do' lists, but usually, I just forget where I wrote it, shout out a curse word or two, then go to the computer and write and work on eBay. Hey, if I'm meant to be at home, at least I need and want to get something out of it. It's ok - totally - if nobody reads or likes what I write. But, I like to write, despite my cynicism on almost everything, I do like to write. I'm not sure what else I'm good for, just yet. Although when I recently had Annalina, the nurses told me I'm 'made for birthing' b/c I've had two, very short and (unfortunately) almost natural labors. I told them to hell with that - there will be no more birthing on my end - they gave me these startled looks like, 'why on earth not?' Here's the only answer I have - it's incredibly painful and kids are extremely hard to raise - good or bad, kids are just hard to raise, but I'll keep ya updated.....
I did manage to get James Morgan to pee in the toilet instead of on the new carpet, so that's a win. He promptly socked me with his water bottle, so I guess that cancels the first one out, huh.